Wonder how I ever made it through
by Marte
Summary: A look into the mind of Lynn Echolls; the mistakes she made, and the effect they had on Logan. Songfic set season1 and looking back to preseries. Reviews are higly appreciated, since I've just started writing fanfics and are wondering if people like it :


A look into the mind of Lynn Echolls.

Disclaimer: Of course I own nothing, buhuuu :( Lynn Echolls and her family was created by Rob Thomas, and distributed by CW. The wonderful, beautiful and incredibly sad song "Two Beds and a Coffee Machine", belongs to Savage Garden.

_And she takes another step  
Slowly she opens the door  
Check that he is sleeping  
Pick up all the broken glass and furniture on the floor  
Been up half the night screaming now it's time to get away  
Pack up the kids in the car  
Another bruise to try and hide  
Another alibi to write_

Lynn Echolls sat behind the steering-wheel, tears streaming down her cheeks. How did it go this far? When she had met Aaron at the movie-set ten years ago he had seemed perfect, and she, like the young naïve girl she was back then, had fallen head over heels. Just a few months later they had gotten married, and in a publicity stunt they had adopted the Neptune High Prom Baby. For the next few years, they had been blissfully happy most of the time. Lynn knew Aaron had a tendency to "stray", but let it slide.

_Another ditch in the road  
You keep moving  
Another stop sign  
You keep moving on  
And the years go by so fast  
Wonder how I ever made it through_

It wasn't until after Logan was born that Aaron started showing his physical abusive side. He never touched the children, and Lynn learned to live with the violence. Well, being a celebrity, and she loved living in the limelight, you just had to deal, someway or other. If she was to analyse it it might be that it was now, being a father himself, he felt like his father, who Lynn knew had been an abuser. Another explanation might be that her physical appearance had changed after giving birth. She didn't know, and didn't really care. The means doesn't change the ends when it comes to domestic violence.

This night, however, had been worse than the others. He had accused her of having an affair with her golf-instructor (that was true, but there was no way she was going to admit it), and after the accusation (however rightful; she had found him in bed with Logan's barely legal nanny two nights before, so who was he to talk), she had thrown his much-loved "best-actor in an action movie"-award at him. She had missed by a few centimetres, but it had shattered into a thousand pieces when hitting the floor. It was then that he had knocked her out. She didn't know how long she had been unconscious when she woke up to Logan crying. When she heard ten-year old Trina trying to calm him down, she didn't move. It was better to pretend until Aaron had left or gone to bed.

A while later she looked in at him sleeping in their bedroom and went to the living room to clean up the broken glass. Then she took her sleeping three-year old, and the half-asleep Trina to the car and drove away.  
_  
And there are children to think of  
Baby's asleep in the backseat  
Wonder how they'll ever make it through this living nightmare  
But the mind is an amazing thing  
Full of candy dreams and new toys and another cheap hotel  
Two beds and a coffee machine  
But there are groceries to buy  
And she knows she'll have to go home_

A good hour later she found herself parked outside a shady motel on the outskirts of the city. The children were fast asleep in the backseat. As she was about to enter the reception to get a room, she started thinking about the tabloids. They would have a field day with this. She could see the headlines. It was no secret that the media had always preferred her husband over her, and she didn't think for a minute that that would change. As she glanced back at her children in the rear-view-mirror, she started the engine back up and headed back in the direction she came from. Children's minds work in mysterious ways, Lynn thought. They would get through this. She would just have to keep their minds on other things, and being Mrs. Echolls she sure had the money to keep the distractions coming.

As she snuck herself and her children back into their mansion that night she thought she did the right thing going back home.

_Another ditch in the road  
You keep moving  
Another stop sign  
You keep moving on  
And the years go by so fast  
Wonder how I ever made it through_

_  
Another bruise to try and hide  
Another alibi to write  
Another lonely highway in the black of night  
But there's hope in the darkness  
You know you're going to make it_

The morning after, both she and Aaron had gone back to living the lie. There were days in a row that they were almost back to the blissfully happy they used to be in the beginning. But then from time to time he hit her. If the people around her noticed, they didn't let on. She had perfected hiding her bruises, but she found it hard to believe that the people who worked closely with them didn't know, - she was sure they just didn't care.

She didn't have any real regrets about that night when she had made the decision to go back home, until Logan was ten. That's when Aaron started hitting him. At first he used his bare hands. But after a while Logan perfected his actor-skills and was able to hide his pain. He always_ had been_ a better actor than his dad, Lynn thought. That's when Aaron had turned to belts.

Lynn had never been a strong-willed person. If she was to admit it, that's why she had backed out of leaving him. It was easier to take the physical pain and live the life that seemed so perfect to the outside world. After so many years, she didn't know what to do. She certainly wasn't strong enough to oppose Aaron anymore. By now she was used to just taking it. So when Aaron started abusing Logan, Lynn turned to the bottle.

She did have a small hope that when they moved to Neptune two years later, it would get better; new environment and all… She should, of course, have known better. She felt bad for Logan, she really did, but she had her own issues to deal with, and he seemed to be taking it in stride. And then he had those wonderful friends to lean on. She just couldn't help him. So she found herself turning back to the bottle and pills more and more often.

It was when she sat with Aaron and Logan outside the principal's office that she realized that it was too late. She could never go back, she could never make up to Logan for the mistake she had made when chickening out that night outside the motel so many years ago. And if she didn't do anything drastic right now, he would get into even more trouble than he already was.

She had realized it when he had threatened his father. It was not an empty threat, she knew. So she left them outside the office. Said she couldn't take it anymore. She had her lawyer on the phone when she left the building. Having arranged her will, she went home only to leave her most treasured belonging, the lighter, to her beloved son.

_Another ditch in the road  
Keep moving  
Another stop sign  
You keep moving on  
And the years go by so fast  
Silent fortress built to last  
Wonder how I ever made it_

The wondering was over. She didn't make it, and she should have realised it a lot sooner.


End file.
